Im back baby

You know how like in a lot of shows that have a large passage of time, the main character always seems to be wearing a dusty old cloak but you don't know its them until something takes off the hood of the cloak and reveals their face, well that's an accurate representation of me and this blog. Basically what I'm trying to say is that I'm wearing an old cloak... metaphorically because I don't own a real cloak (do blankets count?). So anyway it's been like a year since I last posted and I have legitimate reasons as to why.
1. I had wrote 2 other posts but I got half way through them and got bored so now their just half finished, I might finish them one day (probably not though).
2. I kinda just got bored of writing blog posts.
3. I haven't had any particularly interesting dreams in a while.
4. I'm a lazy piece of shit.
5. The fucking S and D keys on my computer only half work.
6. Fuck you I don't even have to explain myself your not my boss.
Ok well now that that's out of the way I should get to the dream. Also as I just mentioned, I had been getting bored of writing the posts. I think its cause I'd been writing in an objective point of view which was kinda boring. So I'm gonna try writing this one in a first personish kinda view. Idk what that means tbh I don't plan ahead. Keep in my that this means I will be writing as if I was currently in the dream. Oh yeah I had this dream like 3 months ago but like all of my dreams I wrote down key notes so I should be able to remember it pretty well. Now lets do this baby.

      Where am I? It's cold, very cold. I appear to be drowning... wait why the fuck am I drowning? Oh that's right, I jumped off the yacht. Why the fuck was I on a yacht and why the fuck did I have the urge to jump. That same urge is still with me, except now it's telling me to swim forward. Probably should swim up first though, cause like ya know, drowning wouldn't be very good.

     I rise to the surface of the water to catch my breath. Its the middle of the night and I appear to be near a rocky surface. I start to swim forward, away from the yacht, following that urge. My body's going numb fast, the cold already started to take its toll as I struggle to draw breath. Not much further now, I can feel it.

 
   There! off in the distance I see someone struggling to stay afloat. As I get closer I see its a young child. I feel like I can vaguely recognize this person. Do I know them? No that's not whats important, right now I need to focus on getting them somewhere safe. I reach the child and hold them while kicking my legs, keeping us both from sinking into a watery grave. "Try to hold onto my back while I swim us onto my boat".

   My swimming becomes sloppier and sloppier as I get closer to the yacht. I can't even feel my own body, and I was so looking forward towards another day without hypothermia and frostbite. Oh well, a few missing toes and fingers never hurt anyone. The kid on my back starts to shuffle, I think their only just now figuring out whats going on. Despite needing to focus on my swimming, I can not resist looking back for a glance of the person currently riding my back. Wait... oh god no... seriously, like fucking for real. It's fucking Koneko from Highschool DxD.

Koneko

     Fucking why. Why do I gotta deal with this weeb ass shit right now. Oh well, I'll just get her on the yacht then drop her off at the nearest hospital or some shit. Then I can chill out cause I got a mother fucking yacht. Wait, I have a mother fucking yacht. Holy shit that's cool. Does that mean I'm rich. Ok these are questions that will be answered once I drop this young teenage girl off. She's like 14 though so she might as well be twelve cause 14 year old kids are retarded.

    "Thomas!!!"
   Wait the fuck was that? It sounded like a... oh god please don't let it be true. I look up to see I'm close to the yacht. Sadly, waiting for me is a group of, well to put it simple, (and embarrassingly) Anime girls.

Ok I just want to mention before I continue the story that this dream was against my will. Trust me, I legitimately cringe just knowing that my brain decided to do this. Like seriously, Ive had romance themed dreams before, but not gay ass anime ones. Like why. Maybe I should just stop watching anime, cause like that might ensure nothing this disgusting happens again. Ok back to the dream.

  

   So now I've reached the ship and got Koneko on bored. She recovers uncomfortably fast and just ends up blending into the group of like 5 or 6 anime girls (which for simplicity I shall now refer to as waifu's). 

   "Ok well you guys can just like, not" I tell the waifu's.

   "Oh Thomas, your so funny" One of them replys

   "Seriously get the fuck off my yacht"

   "We'll be waiting for you in the bedroom" Another one says as the group starts to head towards the inside of my yacht and presumably the only bedroom.

   Well I can't be bothered dealing with that shit right now, so how bout I just take this opportunity to stare off into the ocean like I was in a music video or some shit. I mean how often do you get to do that. Oh shit there's even an aurora (google it) in the sky. That's pretty dope.

   I stare off for what seems like hours before deciding it's time to go to the sleep. FUCK!!! Koneko is standing right fucking behind me!. Has she been doing that the whole god damn time!. Fuck this I'm going to bed. Koneko follows right behind me as I enter the bedroom. There's 2 beds, one with all the waifu's on it, eagerly awaiting me and one with a T.V and xbox set up in front of it.

   "Come to bed with us Thomas"

   "lol fuck off"

   I proceed to play WWE 2k16 on the Xbox for an hour before finally drifting off into sleep.

  

   It's the next day. Me and the Waifu's have headed off into some carpentry place. I'm trying to build some weird ass shit but the instructions make literally no sense. Well this is fucking boring I guess I'll just wake up now.

   Oh... It's 8am, well it's the school holidays so fuck that shit I'm going back to sleep. Maybe this time I'll get a good dream.

   Ok where am I now? Oh god dammit. I'm back in the fucking bedroom again! Oh and the Waifu's are back on the bed again.

   "Thomas are we going to have the sex now?"

   "Are you ready to shut the fuck up now so I can play Xbox"

  I play some more WWE. This time I win the NXT championship. Fuck yeah that's like coming 2nd to last in the Olympics. Well time to sleep, maybe tomorrow will be interesting.

   
The next day goes past but I don't really remember anything about it. I probably did something boring anyway. Well It must of been some day cause I'm really fucking tired and out of energy. That bed across the room looks really fucking far away. Ehh fuck it.

   "Waifus move the fuck off the bed I'm gonna use this one"

   I collapse onto the bed though I'm lying horizontally instead of vertically. Fucking hell why is this bed so uncomfortable. Oh, probably because the Waifu's didn't move and now I'm lying on their legs. I'm sure this is someones fetish but it's not mine. It's also super fucking uncomfortable. Still, I don't have the energy to move. Fuck it I'm just gonna sleep.

   
   "Thomas cunt you there?"

   Wait was that Lachlan? Fuck what happened. I must of just blanked out. Oh yeah that's right. Me, the Waifu's and my friends Lachlan, Caleb and Brandon are walking towards a haunted mansion.

  "Yeah sorry Lachie I was just dozing off".

  "Sick as cunt you been busy all night?".

  "Fuck off Lachlan, like seriously don't talk for the rest of this trip, that goes for you too Caleb".

  "Ehhh fuck off" Replied Caleb.

  We've reached the mansion. It looks about as generic as a haunted mansion can look.

Do I look like I know what a Jpeg is?

   The door opens with a loud creek and everybody turns their flashlight. Why the fuck are we doing this again? Something about Lachlans past or some shit. Why the fuck do I care though? Oh well, maybe if I'm lucky, a ghost will kill the Waifu's. Well besides Koneko, she hasn't acted like a slut yet...yet. Speaking of which, all of the Waifu's are giving me a look.

   "Alright gang lets do a Scooby Doo and split up" I tell the group.

   "We'll go with Thomas" the Waifu's declare.

   "Lol no you won't, I'm going by myself".

   Alright well I've got 2 options here, I can go up the stairs and explore the upper floor where I'll probably get raped by a fucking ghost of a man from the 1800's or I can go downstairs and most likely see the ghost of a dead girl who was probably killed by the ghost from upstairs. Well If the little girl jumps me, I'll drop that mother fucker. So downstairs it is then.

   
   Ok so far this looks like a normal basement. A couple of boxes full of stupid shit. A dishwasher. And a ghost girl. Wait what. Oh fuck that's a ghost girl isn't it. Suddenly everything went white. I can see the inside of a theatre. Oh hey there's the ghost girl again. She's walking towards me. Uh getting a little closer there sweetheart. Ok now she's entering my safespace. I'm getting triggered.

   Just as sudden as it started, the vision ends. I'm sitting on the dirty basement floor. Alone. Well better go tell the gang what just happened.

   After explaining the situation, my friends decide that the only possible next move is to go look for the girl on the brand new Zombies map that got released on COD (not an actual map btw, this dream happened before the first DLC for Black Ops 3 was even announced). Personally I think their fucking retarded so me and the Waifu's go play some COD multiplayer back on the yacht.

   

  I'm back at the yacht playing COD. This is actually pretty fucking fun. I don't remember being so good. Oh well I ain't complaining.

  "Hey Thomas-Kun are you sure your friends will be alright?" a Waifu ask's

  "To be perfectly honest with you, I really don't care. Like I'm having fun here so please don't ruin this for me"

  We play for a while longer before another Waifu say's something similar to the first, adding that they may be in danger.

   "Ok you know what, fuck you guys, I'll go check up on them but then I'm gonna go back to playing multiplayer and having fun. Did I mention that I hate you all. Because I do".

   
   Ok so I'm in their zombies game. But like why am I really in it. Like why the fuck am I no longer sitting in front of a T.V. I'm literally in the fucking video game. God dammit this is retarded. Where am I anyway. It looks like a balcony. And that looks like my primary school over the balcony. Wow we are really fucking high up. Also why is my primary school part of the new zombies map? Fucking Treyarch.

Map kinda had this theme going on

     I can still see the minimap at the top right of my vision. Kinda annoying when its literally always there. Also why the fuck can I only see the first part of the map. Have they seriously not figured out how to progress further then the first part. It's like round 6 for god sake.
   "Tom what ya doing here" asked Caleb
   "Apparently solving your problems"
   "Nah we're good, we've got a crawler so the next round ain't gonna start" replied Lachlan
   "Well I'm gonna figure this shit out so I can go back to playing multiplayer cause I'm a fucking beast"
   A work bench catches my eye. It looks like it requires 3 items to be placed on it. They've already found the first. It doesn't take me long to find the others. Putting them together creates a broomstick. I think I know what this does but I need guinea pig to test it.
   "Oi Lachie mate I just figured out that the work bench gives ya super strong gun, I don't really want it so you can have it"
   Like a child, Lachlan runs towards the witches broom and equips it. He's now suddenly sitting on the broom, suspended in the air. Just as I thought, we gotta fly this shit straight to the next part of the level. I'm like if Stephen Hawking and Albert Einstein had a baby. I get on the broom, Caleb and Brandon soon follow. We start to fly off the balcony. It feels surprisingly natural considering the fact that I really should be shitting myself right now. Oh shit a bunch of people are at the first area. I guess the game lets you see people that are still stuck there. I flip them the bird cause fuck those losers.
   
   Well shit the witches broom apparently has a duration. Me and the Lads (and Brandon) all get off our brooms. We're at the playgrounds near the front of the School. While exploring I overhear Caleb and Brandon talking about a food place nearby.
   "Boy's lets go to this food place I'm fucking starving" I say.
   "No it's meant for when your low on health" all 3 of them reply at once.
   "I don't care I'm hungry".
   "NO"
   Oh shit. All our bickering distracted me. It's the next round and zombies are spawning in. There's a lot. The playground! If I get there I'll have the high ground. Luckily I manage to get up there pretty easily. From here, I manage to get a decent amount of kills despite having a simple rifle. Everything should be fine if we ke- oh god dammit seriously. Lachlan and Caleb both went down and need to be revived. Well I mean I could just let them die. They'll respawn next round anyway. Then again I do have quick revive. It would kinda be a waste not to use it. Ah fuck it. I'll save them both.

   I did not save them both. I managed to get Caleb but Lachlan was eaten alive. Eh that's like a 50% success rate. Better then nothing I suppose. Well rounds done anyway so Lachlans back. After some some sly use of words, I manage to convince them to go to the food place. I wonder why their so reluctant. Like its food. Huh the food place is where the dentist used to be. That's ironic... I think... still not entirely sure what the definition of ironic is.
   Oh dear lord. All around me I hear them. Everyone in the fucking restaurant is a social justice warrior (google it). Ok I'm just gonna ignore it and order some food.
   "Excuse can I please make an order to go" I ask the cashier.
   "Sure buckio, but first you gotta earn it".
   Oh for fucks sake. No, no this is stupid. Then again, I am rather hungry. Ok you know what, I'll "earn" my food. Then if it taste good enough, I'll know I made the right decision.
   "Ok friend, how do I earn my food?"
   "Simple, just head through the back door".
   
   I reluctantly do as he says and enter the back room, well I say room but its more like a really big tunnel heading down on a 45 degree angle. What the fuck kind of food place is this? Oh great there's a robot here as well. Lovely. He's standing next to a water slide that goes down the tunnel.
   "Hello, before you head down our fun slide, are you a boy or a girl?" he asks.
   "Why does that matter?"
   "We shall adjust your difficulty settings based on your gender"
   "So if I say I'm a girl, you'll make the challenge easier?"
   "Precisely"
   "I am a girl, I like girly things and have a vagina"
   "Ok difficulty settings set, please enjoy your trip down"
   As I'm heading down the slide, I flip off the robot.
   "I'm actually a boy ya mongrel"
   Holy shit that was funny. Also this challenge should be easier now. That's a bonus. Holy shit this is a long slide. It's also getting really cold. Seriously this a dodgy restaurant. I've reached the bottom. 

   It's like a small ice arena. Large blocks of ice pop up and down at random intervals. There's another dude here.
   "We're gonna fight, whoever wins gets to eat" he tells me.
   "That's retarded, your retarded and just because I don't like you, I will fight. Only so I can punch your teeth in. Seriously fuck you and this restaurant" I reply.
   Using the confusion of my opponent after hearing what I just said to my advantage, I charge at the guy. Oh FUCK he can shoot fire out of his arms. Narrowly, I avoid what would have been a fatal attack. I have to keep moving. Every time I try taking cover behind an ice block, he either melts it or it lowers back into the ground.
   "This is my favorite fight of the season"
   Wait what was that and why did it sound like me.
   "Yes I agree, it really follows the show, don't tell rule perfectly"
   Ok that was definitely my voice. Is this a fucking directors commentary? Why is there a fucking directors commentary going on. Seriously. This doesn't even make sense.
   "I really enjoy this part, where he gets punched in the fucking face"
   Wait wha- OH GOD MY FUCKING FACE. Fuck that burns. I can feel the barrage of strikes against by body. I'm being rag dolled. The food better be worth it. Ok I've got a plan. It's just gonna require the right timing. He kicks me, sending towards an ice block. I manage to back flip over it and use my momentum to super kick the block. It fly's towards my opponent at rapid speed. Fast enough that he can't dodge and it manages to knock him out upon impact.

   I climbed the staircase leading back up to the restaurant and am now seated at a table eating the food Ive won. It's good. Like really good. Like so good, I wanna play the game again so I can win some more.
   "Yo can I go for round two?" I yell
   "Of course sir, just go through the back door again" a waiter reply's.
   OK so I'm probably gonna have to go beat up another guy. Easy enough. The door opens with a creek and a sudden flash of white light passes though, blinding me. Fucking hell. I'm at the top of a snowy mountain. That door broke some law of physics. Not sure which one but it definitely broke it. Oh lovely. There's a kid dressed as Ash Ketchum here. I guess nobody told him it looks gay IRL.

Mr Ketchup himself

 

   "OK contestants, you must win the race to earn your food" an announcer voice declares.

   "See ya at the finish line Old Geezer" the kid dressed as Ash (who I will now refer to as Mr Ketchup) says as he runs off.

   OK first of all, Old Geezer, seriously? I'm 16 for fucks sake. Also I'm gonna kill the kid. Oh yeah, maybe I should start to run. Where the fuck are we heading anyway? I guess just follow him down the mountain. And that is exactly what I do. There's trees everywhere. It's getting hard to dodge them and keep my footing. I start to trip and fall towards a tree. Closing my eyes, I brace for impact. There's a pause and then I'm backing to running down the hill. Wait what happened? Looking back, I can see a shadowy figure running into the tree that was supposed to hit me. Oh shit I totally have Zeds powers don't I.

   Just for clarification. Zed is a character from a video game called League of Legends. He can create shadowy figures that mimic his movements. He can also switch places with these shadows. So essentially, I had created a shadow on the other side of the tree I was heading towards. I then switch places with the shadow, avoiding the tree.

Hey this is pretty easy. I just keep running and when there's something in the way, I just use a shadow to avoid it. Life's pretty OK right now. That food was good, I got shadow powers, oh and I'm gonna kill that kid. Cause fuck that guy. Eventually I reach a large open area with a lake in the middle. There's no more snow. My Ketchup sadly is here. He's receiving a map from an old sage standing at the front of the lake.

   "Yo can I get my map as well?"

   "No you must find your map. I'm afraid the only hint I can give you is in the form of a riddle".

   "Wait hold up. Why the fuck do I gotta find my map but Mr Ketchup gets his for free?"

   "Because you have had the powers of the shadow bestowed upon you"

   "OK well fuck you and your hint. I'll find the map on my own"

   

   It takes me like a minute to find the map. As I run back into the forest, following the map, I flip the sage off. I can feel his disappointed eyes going through the back of my head. No time to care about a random old guy being disappointed, I gotta catch up to Mr Ketchup so I can kick his ass. Oh and win some food. I kinda forgot about that. My shadow powers are apparently very helpful because I manage to catch up to Mr Ketchup. We're at a river bank. Wait is that a bald eagle on his shoulder?

   "So you caught up to me, your not as bad as I thought".

   "I am literally going to throw you into this river".

   "Heh, not gonna happen, first you gotta beat me in a Pokemon battle, and we both know that aint happening".

   I start to walk towards the kid. I'm just gonna kick his ass. I don't really care about this Pokemon battle. Oh shit his eagles giving me the eye. Fuck that I ain't dealing with no eagle.

   "Fine, where's my Pokemon?"

   "God you are lame, go grab one from that backpack over there"

   Ah yes, the conveniently placed backpack, my favorite. Reaching inside I find and pull out a pokeball. This is either gonna be a worm or a retarded bird. Oh shit its Darkrai.

 

Darkrai. Shit's OP

Darkrai gives me a look. I return with a nod. He moves in for a strike, fast and deadly. Literally. He ripped the eagles head off. Fucking hell. I was not mentally prepared for that.

   "Dude sorry abou-"

   "Haha, you managed to beat my first Pokemon, but how will you do against my second"

   "Wait do you even care?"

   "About what?"

   "You know what, never mind. Yo Darkrai, try to like not kill anything... OK besides the kid, as long as it looks like an accident".

   Four Pokemon (which were all birds, not bird Pokemon, just birds) knock outs later and Mr Ketchup has been left with one Pokemon (bird) at his disposal. Right as he's about to throw his last pokeball, I wake up.

That's it. That's the end. Pretty sure if the dream went any longer, I would of killed Mr Ketchup. Also that dream had no consistency in the story so sorry if it was hard to follow. Still, pretty fun, would recommend. So I actually really enjoyed writing this, besides constantly fucking up whether it was past or present tense. Oh and having a broken S and D key. Really annoying. So that's about it. See ya in another year. Haha joking. Probably. Maybe.